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I've been holding off on the J post.  Partly because I was afraid there was no going past a J is for Jesus post and frankly, THAT was one I didn't want to write.

So I'm compromising.  Which is a little dicey... there isn't supposed to be any compromise in Jesus.  At least there has been a lot of 'black and white' in my background... so if this post finishes before it is.. well... finished... you know I've crossed some line and have been struck by a massive lightning bolt or something... 

Anyway, back to John... could be anyone but isn't ... it's this John.

I came across a post from his blog on one of my daily reads, and now he's one of my daily reads...  I'm impressed by him.  He's always been one of my favourite songwriters, now he's one of my favourite bloggers.  He did freak me out a bit by dating Jessica Simpson... proof positive that even really creative intelligent people  do REALLY STUPID things... but he's probably grown up a bit since then...

He sings this.[Link to iTunes]

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say (x8)

Walkin' like a one man army,
Fightin' with the shadows in your head.
Livin' up the same old moment
Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...Say what you need to say (x8)

Have no fear for givin' in.
Have no fear for giving over.

You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin',
Do it with a heart wide open.

(A Wide Heart)

Say what you need to say (x7)

Say what you need to, Say what you need to...

Say what you need to say.

It's my new favourite song.

My world is teetering.  You've probably guessed that if you read this often enough.  I'm not sure what it's on the edge of.  I'm not sure if it's the whole turning 40 thing.  I'm not sure if it's time to leave work. I'm not sure if it's time to leave Australia, I'm not sure if I've given up hope of ever seeing the motherhood dream come to pass. I'm not sure.

I'm just not sure.

I don't like how this place feels.  I should be talking to Jesus about it.

But I'm listening to John instead.

In

as in IN over my head.

I wrote recently, a short poem called I'm done. It came at the end of a long struggle about my place, about being called to be what I am and do what I'm doing and it was a relief to have it settled in my head and my heart.

But I didn't count on finding myself even further at the end of that rope or to find myself looking up the ladder again wondering where it all went so horribly wrong.

Should I be surprised? It isn't really as though I haven't looked up before and seen the sky come falling down.

I can't pretend I'm not affected by both the flu that seems to be bearing down on me and the yawning emptiness of my house without that darn cat, but I had one too many emails today that makes me and my work redundant and so, once again.

I'm done.

After about 14 months of cutting it fine on the street outside my place Chino met his match with a car this morning.

Chino had one huge personality and was the best roommate I've ever had. I'm embarrassed at how cut up about his death I am but I'm not embarrassed to admit I loved him something fierce.

I'm going to miss him.

I'm working.

Working, working, working.

It's Easter weekend... I probably should be celebrating.

Or something.

But I'm working on a site that's due to go live soon.

I'm building a site on a Movable Type back end. It's way fun, very clever and I am LOVING MT4. So much that I'm planning on putting it on my own servers pretty soon.

Web Tech is sooooo cool.

But working is making me a sucky blogger.